Today I was reminded.
One of the students in the School of Worship I'm staffing asked, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
Little did he know the conversation he was about to be launched into.
Nonchalantly I responded, "Yes, but my brother is in heaven."
I could tell my response kind of shocked him. He quickly apologized and asked what had happened.
Before I knew it I was in a thirty minute, in depth story about who my brother was, our relationship, how he influence our family, his accident and death, then how God had transformed my broken family from ashes to beauty.
At this point my new friend was probably on his third round of tears. Real men cry.
I was even overwhelmed by the intense emotion. It's been a while since I've shared that part of my testimony and allowed my mind to go back to those painful memories. Like many times before I sat there in silence, amazed at God's faithfulness.
As I drove home from an emotional morning of repentance (thanks to Daniel Lehmann's teaching on Ezekiel 44 hahaha) and then sharing my testimony, Papa was speaking to my heart. He simply put an impression on my heart that he wanted to show me something when I got home.
I pulled up to the house, parked my care, and hurriedly went straight to the keyboard.
Right away two songs popped into my head. "Give us Clean Hands" by Chris Tomlin and "Stand in the Rain" by Superchick. Two bands that I would normally not listen to, but I knew there was a reason God was highlighting them to me.
I began to play the song by Chris Tomlin, remembering the revelation Jesus gave me the night before about repentance. I began to declare the song over the YWAM Kona campus asking God to clean our hands and our hearts, to make us humble at the start of a new quarter. As I moved to the next song, I could sense the Holy Spirit's presence increase, like a bomb was about to be released.
The song "Stand in the Rain" actually has a ton of significance in my family. It was one of my brother's favorite songs. As I was singing the words at the top of my lungs, I could picture Zachary, when the song would come on the radio he would belt out every word as if his life depended on it.
It never made sense to me why he loved that song so much, I mean the whole song was about a girl who was depressed and struggling. Until today, I could never put a finger on it. I never understood the power of the words over my life until like a flood, the revelation rains began to pour.
Jesus spoke to me and said,
"Kelly, every time Zachary sang this, without knowing, he was singing it over your life. He was singing and declaring you through a season you both had no idea was coming. He declared over you that you were going to stand in the rain, but you were going to stand your ground. When it was all crashing down and when you thought you were going to drown because the pain was so intense, I knew you would make it through. I knew that what was lost would be found. I knew you would come back to me in the end, even through the torrential downpours.
Your brother sang you into your destiny."
Slap in the face. No words can explain the emotions that came after that bomb was dropped.
Even after the death of my bro, and the years of rebelling and turning my back on the Lord...I still made it through. Even when I felt so alone and like I was drowning in my emotions and I couldn't fight any longer, God was faithful. When I finally stopped running and gave up pushing Him away, He intervened and changed my life forever. He finally had my heart.
For so long my brother's death defined who I was. It wasn't just a part of my testimony, but it was my testimony. It wasn't healthy. I felt like my identity was a "broken daughter" not a "royal daughter".
For the past three years now I can boldly stand before Jesus, friends and family with a healed heart and a firm grasp of my identity in Jesus. I am not defined by my brokenness or sin. My testimony is no longer "hey, everyone look at how broken I am, feel sorry for me, pity-party"...its now:
"EVERYONE!!! LOOK AT HOW GOOD JESUS IS AND WHAT HE, IN HIS LOVING KINDNESS AND MERCY BROUGHT ME THROUGH!!! ALL GLORY TO HIM!!! LOOK WHAT HE CAN DO WITH A BROKEN PERSON!!! ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL!!!"
Jesus is a healer.
Jesus is a restorer.
Jesus is a lover.
Jesus is a savior.
4 years ago heaven gained a pretty rad 12 year old boy who taught me what life was all about and who told me to never give up even when the rains kept falling. I am forever grateful for the life of my brother and his death that shook my family to the core and sent us onto a lifetime adventure of falling more in love with Jesus.
I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for my Jesus and Zachary Thomas Weimer.