This is going to be a long road of recovery.
Here's what happened. So I play in a co-ed adult soccer league. It was my 4th game. I didn't start, but subbed in about ten minutes into the game. The ball was down on our side of the field in scoring position. My teammate pushed past one defender but sent the ball further than he intended placing it directly between me and a tall, male defender. He obviously saw me coming to possibly shoot on goal, so I'm pretty sure his idea was to get the ball as far down field as he could. His foot hit the ball at the exact same moment as mine, his impact a lot stronger than mine.
I immediately fell on the ground screaming and writhing in pain. I started to panic and couldn't control my breathing, until I heard someone's voice telling me to take deep breaths and try to stay still. I had a few moments of clarity where I could hear my own thoughts as if I was saying them out loud, "you can do this, you've birthed a child" or "where's Daniel, I want to hold his hand". I remember hearing the club owners voice say "Kelly, what are you doing...". I responded to her in my head thinking "what the hell does it look like I'm doing, I'm dying, get me an ambulance." Crazy person.
Daniel and a couple others quickly carried me off the field where I tried to be tough and act like it didn't actually hurt, when really I wanted to cry and cry and cry. And I did, once I got in the car. The pain was excruciating. Every bump on the way to the ER was enough to make me want to use every curse word in the books. Somehow I managed to find light in it all and made jokes about anything I could find funny about the situation. Daniel was glad that even through the pain and frustration I didn't lose my sense of humor.
At the hospital the doctor confirmed that it was broken and that I could possibly need surgery.
So now here I am, immobile me, sitting on our upstairs couch while my daughter is downstairs eating breakfast and playing with toys. I so badly want to be on the floor with her playing Legos like I normally do, but unfortunately I can't move.
I really do want to have a good attitude about this. It's really hard. I know I have a choice to be a Debbie Downer or find the good in all this.
What can I learn? God what are you wanting to teach me? Yeah, this sucks, and I dont think for a second I'm wrong for saying that, but I know God can turn any crappy situation into good.
Just this morning I noticed that if I watch Zoe from a distance I learn new things about her. The way she interacts with her toys and grandparents gives me new perspective. I'm always so up close and personal with her, always holding her and in her bubble. Watching her from a distance is like being in a fascinating art class or an engaging psychology class, where the teachers know how to make the lessons come to life. Zoe breathes curiosity and wonder. She's hilarious. She knows how to get what she wants and often plays the system to get it, which makes me laugh and want to spank her tiny butt at the same time. I could watch her for hours. Life just makes sense when she's around. She makes all the worries in the world float out the window and reminds me to notice the simple things I would normally glance over. Like the delicacy of a flower and how you have to hold it with such gentle care or it will crumble in your fingertips. Or the way learning to walk is a beautiful process and you have to really trust the person holding your hands. She teaches me more about life than a lot of books ever could.
I'm thankful for my parents. They've dropped everything to serve my family. They are my family. Family means everything to me. It literally makes my world go around. Without them I don't know what I'd do.
Last night Daniel told me he was proud of me for seeing an obstacle, finding a solution, and overcoming. His words are precious to me. I hide them away in the treasure troves of my heart. They build confidence in me. I really do feel like I can do anything. Partly because I have an incredible husband who tells me I can, and mostly because my confidence is in God. The God of the impossible. My God who is with me every step of the way, or in my case every "wobble".
Yesterday morning I was reading Psalm 112 like I'd never read it before. It was profound and moving.
Psalm 112 is all about the qualities of God and the qualities of the righteous, those who worship and revere the lord. It's about the benefits we receive when we delight in obeying His commands.
It's about the legacy we leave behind when we honor God and live our lives unto him.
Verse 7 - "The righteous do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the lord to care for them."
I read the morning of my soccer game and as I read it I thought "Wow, I'd really like to be a woman like that, someone who doesn't fear bad news. I want to so deeply trust Gods goodness and faithfulness to take care of me in every situation."
Well, yesterday I received some pretty crappy news. Not funny. I was not thrilled to find out I broke my knee. My mind has felt like a battlefield from the moment the injury happened. I've felt discouraged, hopeful, hopeless, ashamed, frustrated, thankful, sad, and joyful all within the past 24 hours. Craziness.
I'm super bummed this happened to me but I'm ready to have my eyes opened to the beauty in times of trial. I know it's there and I know I will find it.
These moments really are priceless, getting to experience family at its fullest; a small army of people who gather for the same cause, in unity and in love. Fighting for one another, filling in for one another, praying and sacrificing, and caring for. Sacrificial, unconditional love is the most beautiful force I think I'll ever experience while I'm here on earth. That's Jesus in a nutshell. Love in its fullness. He is family. What a blessing.
I pray I NEVER take mine for granted. What would we do without these people God has over the top blessed us with? People who won't ever leave. There's something so safe about family. There's stability and safety even in the quirks and disfunction of humans trying their best to do life together. We were made for relationship. I think family is one of God's ways of satisfying our deep desire for friendship, for depth, and relationship. There's no greater love than one who would lay their life down for their friend.
I have that kind of love in my household. And for that I am thankful.